That's what you get when you let your win
by Ilana-walker
Summary: What if kanda is not the only one who is suffering under the Orders experiments? What if one of this new "third exorcists" is like him? not in charcater but in wishes....


_**This is my second ff about Kanda and one of my OC's I like this OC because she gave Kanda the feeling of not being the only one different… I hope you like this and enjoy reading although my English is not so well ^^**_

Xxx yours ilana-walker

1 Chapter: Why am I still alive? And not dead?

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"They're half Akuma, half human… So please take care of them, from now on they'll support you the Headquarters.."Renee said and stood up, the three Akumahumans were standing behind her and stood although Renee was about to leave.  
"Master… one of them said and she looked to the girl which had spoke, "Yes Alice?" she asked her and the girl thought a minute before she said, "Do we have to obey the orders of this man now?" she asked, Renee nodded and went out with two man, her guards.  
"Okay so I'm Koumi the supervisor of the Black Order. Your under my orders now and I have to tell you only one thing, If you ever attack one of my people, it doesn't matter to me if you react to their innocence or not, I'll personally kill you, so don't think you can do as you please… now go Toma is showing you the way to your rooms." Komui said and turned around to face Bak.  
He heard the door opening and Toma coming in than the door closed again, but Bak still didn't release his stiff posture.

"What is it Bak-chan Chan?" Komui said to tease Bak he added a goofy -chan to his name but Bak seemed not to notice, he only pointed with his finger to the other side of the desk, to tell Komui to turn around again.  
"What are you still standing there, what are you waiting for?" he asked the girl when he saw that she was still standing there, it was the same one that asked Renee about who she has to obey now.  
"Uhm… may I ask you something?" she asked and looked down to the floor, Komui was surprised that she was so, _**human**_, he would say, "sure ask…" he answered and she looked up.  
"Am I a default? I shouldn't exists or? I should be dead… why I'm alive? Why do you despise me? Did I do something wrong?" she asked and Bak as well as Komui looked open-mouthed to the young girl, "How come you ask… I mean no one of your buddies did even say a single word, they seemed to not care about how we think about them…" Bak said and still couldn't believe what this girl wanted.  
"Uhm… it's cause we were always despised by others and they started to make a mask to live over such things… but I don't want to stop trusting others… and … you acted so cruel… and I can remember my brother who was… like you…" she answered, this hit Komui like a lightning, so they're human as well, they did have feelings and did have fears.  
"We don't hate you and you're not a default, so don't worry." Komui told her and she smiled, "You name's Alice, so Alice go rest in you room, I guess if you go to the Cafeteria you'll find my dear sweet sister Linalee, a girl with Black-/green hair and pigtails, she'll show you your room. Good night and see you soon." Komui said and she smiled.  
"Thanks Komui-san itte kimasu and Bak-san zàijiàn." she said and bowed, than she left the office, behind her two, to the bones surprised men.

"Uhm… Sumimasen I'm searching for a girl called Linalee…" Alice said when she reached, what she thought was the Cafeteria.  
"Akuma!" a silver haired guy suddenly said and Alice turned around, "He means you little blond girl" a red-haired one said.  
"Me ah sumimasen… forgot that I'm an Akuma as well…" she answered and bowed, "You forgot that you're an Akuma?" Allen asked but he was interrupted, by one of the Akumahumans.  
"Alice what are you apologizing for, they'll never accept you as a human being, didn't you understood that you can't find trust in this human beings and they'll never find trust in you. Stop being foolish!" Tokusa said and laughed a cold laughter.  
"But Tokusa! I want to trust and be trust!" she said and looked to the older looking guys and the little child between them.  
"Stop saying such foolish and stupid things! Bastard your such a default! Your too oft hearted for being a third Exorcist!" Koushi now interrupted and slapped her.  
She flew into the next column and slid it down, her head bleeding, "You overtook it Koushi!" Kiredori said and although she was telling him something to stop him she was looking like she's enjoying it him hitting someone.  
"I'm sorry… I know I'm a burden at all…" she whispered, when Allen tried to help her his Eye activated and he lagged a bit, she noticed and stood up by herself, "Thank you mister Walker but I guess it's better for you not to be near me… at all I'm a monster and not supposed to live… and your eye will hurt if you stood next to me… so please take your pace…" she said and smiled, although blood was poring out of the wound at her forehead.  
"I don't mind you're like the Akuma Lavi once mentioned, I guess Chomesuke was her name, I'll stay by your side, besides you're human as well aren't you…" Allen said and helped her stand.  
"Your eye doesn't react?" she asked surprised, "I guess it's because you're not using your powers… so see it's not a burden and it doesn't hurt at all what's about your forehead, does it hurt?" he asked back and smiled gentle.  
"No I don't even feel pain, that's the first criterion to be created as Akumahuman, all Akumahumans don't feel pain. And all Akumahuman should not feel anything…. Although they lost their family and human existents…" she declared and saw that her buddies moved away, not wanting to talk to her anymore.  
"They won't talk with you…." Allen said simple,

"I don't know, they never talked to me but only to use my powers not more…" she answered and sunk on her knees.  
Allen first didn't know what to do but when he saw dark points forming on the parquet floor, she was crying,

"I_** know never anyone would ever talk to me, I know I should be despised, I know I should die, I know my mum and dad will never want me back, I know that I can't wait for my love! I know! I already know! But why my heart aches? Why do I still want that my pitiful soul should be released? Why do I linger for salvation! Why when I already know that I only deserves pain… why…**_" she cried out and the others stood there in shock.  
Kanda saw it all, he had heard every single word she had said, every move she made, everything reminded him of himself.  
Searching for something that makes your life worthy, asking why you and not someone else, what did you wrong to deserve it? All these questions Kanda had asked were never answered and still they're kept deep in his heart, kept close.  
"You're not alone… every soul wants salvation! And your soul is not pitiful don't hear what others say… we're now your family, you're an Exorcist as well now! Don't be afraid, when this war is over we'll be happy again, I believe it…" Miranda and Allen were holding her, Miranda had spoke and Allen nodded.  
"They're right no one should be despised cause of his out shape or his way he acts! Look at Yuu, he's always grumpy and moody but we still love him, cause he's our Nakama! As well as you're our Nakama…" Lavi mentioned and laid one hand on Kandas shoulder.  
"Don't you ever dare call me by my fucking first name, your fucking bastard and I'll shave your hear off and chop your head off and give both to bookman to sell them." Kanda answered and shot him a death glare.  
"And besides… you're not '_**THAT**_' alone to shade those fucking tears, keep them for something really important to shade them for." he answered and softened his face a bit but only so much that it could be called as a cool look.  
"Thanks… Arigatou… mínna…" she said and dried her tears, she took a glance at Kanda and suddenly stood up walking towards him.  
"You seem so different from the others… I don't know but…. You seem… to be… different…" she said when she touched his arm she jumped backwards.  
"I'm sorry… sumimasen… uhm… you're totally normal…" she suddenly said and excused herself, "I'm going to bed now it was such a bad trip… good night everyone…" she said and run out of the training halls, she noticed it when she saw one of the mattresses for training she passed.

* * *

She went through many corridors but didn't found her way, "I'm totally lost…" she said and sighed, when suddenly someone grabbed her arm.  
"You know something I want to know, so split it out or.." he let the sentence unfinished, "Will you punish me if I won't tell you?" she asked and he looked surprised, okay he was sometimes grumpy and moody maybe too, and he acted bad tempered, but he never hit or injured a woman or girl, it was against his principles, but if she were an enemy he would kick her ass too.

"No I won't…" he told her and sighed, "I saw your lifespan…" she answered and he raised an eyebrow, "You saw what?" he asked to get sure he had heard right.  
"Wash your ears man, I told you I saw your lifespan!" she told him, she was getting cheekier, but he never mind.  
"What do you mean by saw, did you saw when I'll die or what do you mean?" he asked her and she smiled, "No I only can see what your body is gone through and has the volition to go through…" she said and suddenly loosed balance.  
He caught her and carried her in his arms, "What's the matter, too exhausted from the journey?" he asked her with a teasing undercurrent.  
"No… it's because when Miranda-san, Allen-san and Lavi-san touched me I could also feel their lifespan and yours …. It's way too much for a day…" she answered and covered her eyes with her arm.  
"Will you declare me how your powers operate?" he asked and she smiled, although she couldn't see his face, she could imagine how he looked questioned.  
"Yes… I'll declare but first please bring me in my room, I have to admit that I lost my way… and I have only one question you should answer me please."  
"This is more than I want from you…" he answered and she took her arm away, "Okay then let me sit here, I'll ask you, you answer and you ask me and I'll answer." she told him and wanted to jump from is Arms.  
But he hold her tight and walked towards her room, he didn't even know which one was hers, but he knew next to his room on the left side, cause the Moyashi was in the room to his right side, was an unused room, she could use.  
"Why do you take me to my room, I thought it is more than you wanted from me…" she asked but he didn't answer, he pretended to not having heard her question and walked into the room.  
Pasting the light switch he switched the lights on and walked towards the bed.  
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* * *

So first chapter is finished, I wrote this story while watching the episode of Linalee fighting the Level three Akuma Eshii and loosing her Innocence.  
I was so _**near to cry**_, cause of how _**Lavi treated Miranda**_ and the sailors, but when_** Miranda cried about the others who would die if she disabled her innocence I was finished and cried, the whole time till Anita and the others were already dead…**_

**_So I started to see what the Akumahumans would think…. And this is what came out _**

.

Please think of it that Alice is only my OC and not one of the Akumahumans also I invented the word Akumahuman, I don't even know if there is another word besides third Exorcists for them…

_**  
Xxx yours ilana-walker R&R please.**_


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